“Lord Jesus, make my face right!”

It is the prayer I utter regularly during my homeschool days.

I fail on the daily.

My mission is to lovingly teach and guide my children and yet I catch myself with a tone of voice that just isn’t right. I don’t even have to tell you what my face looks like in that moment. Not to mention, my body language, as I point harshly at the problem at hand and instruct in a manner that no student would find beneficial. 

Once again, I have fallen short. I see the look of frustration and discouragement in my child’s eyes. The tears begin to well up and I can see clearly what I have done. I have communicated to my precious child that the lesson is more important than she is.

Time for a major reset.

Time to apologize.

Time to ask for forgiveness.

Time to try again.

“Mommy needs a quick time out.” I say, as I step outside on the porch. I take a deep breath. I might even jump up and down a few times if I am dealing with some anger. I cry out to my heavenly Father, “Lord Jesus, make my face right! Help me to love my children well and teach them with kindness on my tongue. I cannot do this without your strength! Help me to see them with your eyes and love them with your hands.”

I call to my child, “will you come out here with me?” I wipe away her tears and get down on her level. I look at her in those sad eyes and see the pain I have caused.

“What is more important to mommy, you or school?” I say.

She smiles and says, “Me.”

“You are right!” I say, “You are way more important to me than any school lesson we are working on. I need to ask your forgiveness. I was acting like school was more important than you by they way I was talking to you. Mommy needed a time out to make her face and voice right again. Will you forgive me?”

“Yes!” She answers quickly.

“Can I try again?” I ask her.

“Yes, Mommy.” She responds.

“I love you, sister.” I say as I pull her in close for a hug.

“I love you too.” She says as she squeezes me tight.

We take a few more minutes to snuggle the kitty cats and pet the puppy dogs. Our work will be waiting for us when we head back inside. When I realize that we are approaching lunchtime, I choose to feed my people before we begin again. Everyone will feel better with a full tummy. I brew a cup of coffee and settle in beside my little love to try again.

I will never be a perfect mom. I will certainly never be a perfect homeschooling mom. However, I will give this season everything I have. I will teach my children what it means to stop, reset and humbly ask for forgiveness. I will teach them that I am after their hearts. I will model for them what it looks like to seek the Father, listen for his voice and walk in obedience to him. He will always know the way.

I admit, there have been times where I have looked longingly at the big yellow school bus that drives by. Certainly, that is the answer to all my struggles, right? I have cried out to God and asked if this cup of homeschooling could pass from me. A little dramatic? Yes, I know. When you are pouring yourself out day after day to answer the calling to homeschool your children, there are moments when the painful reality of your insufficiency becomes too much. It was during one of these seasons for me when the Lord gently communicated two important truths to my heart. I was at worship one night, singing praises while feeling exhausted and defeated. I told him that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted released from homeschooling. He spoke right to my heart, “I will be with you and I will bring you joy.” The tears rolled down my face. I believed him but I sure wasn’t feeling the joy at that moment.

I have good news.

The joy did come and it continues to flow.

My fellow homeschooler, He will do the same for you.

He will be with you.

He will bring you joy.

And guess what?

He will even make your face right!

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 (ESV)

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalms 16:11 (ESV)

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:26 (ESV)

Pop and My Heavenly Father

Our trip to China was emotional to say the least. We were following God's calling to the other side of the world. We were desperately missing our six children at home while beginning a brand new relationship with our daughter. We were overjoyed to finally have her in our arms, all the while we were deeply aware of the loss she was experiencing.

The night before we began our long journey home, we received this message from Pop.

It spoke peace into our night.

It spoke strength into our weakness.

"We are praying for your endurance to complete the critical task you are called to complete. While it is heavy and painful, our God has ordained it and he never abandons what He has ordained. Take heart and lift your head, almighty God is your assurance and sustainer.  He is working on your behalf as we speak. He is ahead of you working and prompting people you will encounter on your behalf.  Exhausted but not down trodden, weary but sustained by the grace and power of God. Finish the mission Precious Ones."

On the last leg of our journey home we hit a snag. It was possible that we wouldn't make it home that night. I was exhausted and overcome with emotion.

Pop called.

"I just want to be home." I said and burst into tears.

"Oh sweetie, I know." He said.

We made it home that night. Praise God!

Before I got in the van to head home with my family, I stopped to hug Pop.

He looked at me with pride.

He said, "It is over. You did it. You got her here. You completed the mission."

"It was so hard." I said.

"I know." He said. "But you did it!"

I want to be the kind of woman who hears the voice of God.

I want to say yes to the missions he has for me.

I want to be brave and strong.

I want to have full confidence that He will see me through it.

I want to run to His arms when my mission in this world is complete.

I want to hear Him tell me, "Well done my daughter. I am proud of you. I know it was hard but you did it!"

I have been given a glimpse of what this will feel like.

Oh what a gift I have been given.

A picture of my Heavenly Father right here.

Right here on earth in the arms of my Dad.

The Airport Reunion

Oh how I longed for this moment.

The moment when all my children would be together.

The moment when we would start our lives as a family of nine.

While we were in China we tried to focus on bonding with Mei Me.

I am so grateful we had that time to get to know her.

Being away from the other children was hard on my heart.

I was always near tears when we spoke of them.

I remember one day, EJ asked me if I wanted to do a video call with the kids.

I welled up with tears and shook my head no.

I could record videos and send it to them but I could not hold it together if I saw their faces.

I am just made to be with them. 

God has equipped me for this life. 

It is where I belong.

This the face of a woman who is home.

EJ and I were surviving on about 1 hour of sleep and sweet Mei Mei had only slept about 3 hours. We were delirious. She was such a doll even in her sleep deprived state. She was overwhelmed by all the new people but she had seen pictures of them and she knew they were hers.

The support we receive from our family makes all the difference. I have said multiple times that without their willingness to step in we could not follow hard after this mission the Lord has given us.

They say, "What can we do?" "How can we help?" and then they do it. 

Love in action.

I am eternally grateful.

Our first photo as a family of nine. 

Headed home to begin the rest of our lives together.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Her first photo shoot {Guangzhou, China}

Her Finding Place

The place of her abandonment. 

She was found at a chess park. 

I have imagined what this place looked like. 

I have imagined her there as a traumatized 2 year old. 

I have wondered if her birth family watched to be sure someone took her to the authorities. 

Today, our precious daughter stood in the place of her abandonment restored to a family. 

It was deeply moving and intense. 

I whispered in her ear, "To the King! To the Restoration!" 

I prayed over her quietly as we walked. 

She hugged me close.

We reclaimed this place of fear and terror. 

Our girl has been restored. 

His word says that he places the lonely in families.

He called to our son in a dream.

He compelled another son to pray.

Then he spoke the word RESTORE to her mommy and daddy.

He moved his people for one tiny girl in China.

Our God is alive and active.

He is the God who sees.

He is the God who heals.

He is the God who restores.

All Glory and honor are His.

Meeting Mei Mei

This day was long anticipated.

It began with stirrings in our hearts 11 years ago.

It became urgent with a dream given to an older brother.

It became ever present with the fervent prayers of another brother.

It became clear when the Lord spoke the word RESTORE to her Mommy and Daddy.

We began the journey.

It was full of paperwork.

It was full of research.

It was full of prayer.

It was overwhelming.

Then we saw her face.

We heard her story.

We knew...

We were looking at the face of our daughter.

The Lord spoke in dreams during this time.

He gave me a dream that a lion was after me, ready to attack. When the Lion swiped his paw at me, I saw a hand stop his paw and rescue me. The next scene in my dream was me laughing on the couch with EJ. It was clear to me that this was about our adoption. It was clear to me that God would stop the attacks and keep us safe.

Next, He gave my precious friend a dream. It was during a time when I was hearing the lies of the enemy about my ability to be the momma my children need. It was perfect timing and it brought me great comfort. Her dream was about Mei Mei traveling home to find me. She was happy and she knew everyone. She came to me instead of me coming to her.

Grammy was given a dream during the months of waiting that really impacted me. She told me that I was at a flag raising but instead of a flag going up the pole a whole bunch of people were harnessed together and being lifted up the pole. I was one of those people. As we rose higher and higher my harness broke and I began to fall. My friends held onto me and lowered me down to the ground. Grammy came running to me. When she got to me, I was a little Chinese Girl in a pink dress...trying to be brave and not crying at all.

I never forgot these dreams.

As EJ and I were ushered into a room to meet our daughter, I said to him, "If she is in a pink dress, I am going to lose it."

We could see several children peeking around the corner from a back room. They were waiting for their turn to come out and meet their parents. I looked that direction and that's when I saw her. A tiny girl, in a pink dress with sweet little piggy tails. She was spinning around in a circle, dancing about while she waited.

I grabbed EJ, "I can see her! She is in a pink dress!!!"

We both welled up with tears.

It is a moment we will never forget.

And just like that.

A little girl who was labeled a "foundling" is now a beloved daughter.

You're gonna need me

My sister, Rockstar, is the ultimate mother. She was naturally an attachment parenting momma before we even knew what that meant. She is the kind of momma bear that a real momma bear would be afraid of. Do not mess with her. She tirelessly rocked, nursed and snuggled her sweet little blessings. 

Her road to motherhood wasn't always easy. Her babies came easily but between her babies she struggled mightily. She had severe endometriosis. The kind of endometriosis that would bring even the toughest woman to her knees. She dealt with so much pain through the years. She and her hubby were blessed with four precious little ones. After their fourth baby, RockStar had to have a hysterectomy. Honestly, she probably would have had a lot more squishy babies if her body would have cooperated.

The surgery was difficult for her. The emotions were raw. When she woke up from surgery, she looked at her husband and said, "No more babies." A harsh reality for this momma bear.

I knew it was going to be hard for her. I cried right along with her. The promise of a pain free life was the hope that she held on to during the whole experience. 

RockStar was scheduled for her hysterectomy on a Monday morning in June of 2013.

In June of 2013, I was one month into a relationship with D's birthmom, Hope. I knew we would be having baby D in September. We were so thrilled to be bringing a new baby into the family. 

The day before RockStar's surgery, I took a pregnancy test. IT WAS POSITIVE!!! Baby E was on board. 

It was terrible timing.

I wanted to tell my sister SO bad. 

Who in their right mind would drop that news on their sister as she is about to endure a hysterectomy?

Ummm...not this girl.

No Way.

My face was staying shut.

Monday morning rolled around and RockStar went through her surgery. I was planning to go see her the next day. That night, her hubby called me, "Can you come up here? She keeps asking for you."

He didn't have to ask me twice.

I came running. 

I brought her hubby some dinner and told him to take a break while I sat with her.

She was all hopped up on pain meds post surgery.

Truthfully, she is kind of a hoot when she is drugged.

She was the life of the party with her nurses. She had made friends with all of them, of course. 

When things got quiet and it was just us she looked at me and said, "I just feel like you're going to need me."

Then she closed her eyes and drifted off.

I just sat there questioning myself. Did I hear her right? How could she know? 

Then she rolled her head my way, opened those wild, drugged up eyes and said it again. This time more passionately.

"I just feel like you're gonna need me!" She said.

Again, she drifted back to sleep.

I just sat there.

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs..."YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I AM GOING TO NEED YOU!!! I AM PREGNANT!!! HOW AM I GOING TO HAVE TWO BABIES 5 MONTHS APART???""

Instead, I patted her hand and kept my mouth shut for a month.

Her post surgery revelation could not have been more accurate.

I needed her.

(Rocking D with my foot while nursing E)

She came over regularly and allowed this tired momma a much needed break. She snuggled and rocked for hours. The babies both loved her but the littlest one, Baby E, developed a strong preference for his Auntie that remains today.

We have talked about that night in the hospital over the last couple of years. We both just love how the Lord gave us that moment.

I told her the other day just how right she was, I did need her.

She replied, "I remember it so clear. The whispering from God. Isn't he so gracious to have done that? To speak to me over the hurt. Blows my mind. The Lord knew how much I needed those babies. It was so healing for me to spend time with them."

I had never thought about it that way before. 

She needed those babies as much as I needed her.

Lord, thank you for giving my children all these beautiful Aunties. 

What a gift!