June 2013...I was visiting with a dear friend of mine. We had babies at the same time in 2007 and even stayed across the hall from each other at the hospital. We were discussing the terrible, awful experience of postpartum blues. These were my exact words to her, "If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would already be dreading the first couple weeks postpartum."
Two days later...on Father's Day...I found out I was expecting baby E. I was true to my word, anytime I thought of my baby's impending birth day my stomach hurt at the idea of the two weeks after. I would choke back the tears and tell EJ, "I don't want to feel that way again."
Let me back up...
I have always wanted children. I just knew I was supposed to be a mommy. We experienced a couple of years of infertility. When B was on the way, I was more than ready.
B's birth was difficult for me. Nothing went as planned and I felt defeated that I had a c-section birth. I labored for 12 hours before the surgery was required and I was in sorry shape. I was exhausted and drugged out of my mind. To add insult to injury I learned I would never produce enough breast milk to feed my baby. I would always have to supplement.
Praise God my baby was born healthy and in the grand scheme of things all was well.
Grammy was here and stayed a couple weeks after his birth. I remember being overwhelmed and tired but it wasn't until Grammy left that I lost it. EJ remembers coming home to find me sitting on the floor holding a tiny baby B sobbing my eyes out. He didn't know what to do, so he packed me and the baby into the car and headed to his parent's house. I couldn't hide the tears. I just continued to sob as we headed into their house. I remember my father-in-law saying to my mother-in-law, "Is this normal?" She calmly replied that it was normal and proceeded to love on me.
When EJ took me to the doctor for my 2 week check up he wouldn't let me leave there until I confessed to our doctor that I was crying. All the time. It was clear that I had postpartum depression. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. It was so defeating. Dr. K. recommended an antidepressant and I gladly took it for three months. Life was so much better and I was fine after I weaned off.
When I found out I was expecting W, I was terrified of feeling that way again. I asked my doctor if they could just put an antidepressant in my IV after delivery this time. I was sort of serious. He did start me on it while still at the hospital. Unfortunately, it doesn't kick in for a while so I had to experience a week or so of the misery. Same story, it worked great and I weaned off it after a few months.
While pregnant with Lil' Ruthie, I knew it was coming. It felt like a stalker just waiting for me. My heart would beat faster just thinking about it. Even though it had been five years between W's birth and Lil' Ruthie's impending birth I could still remember the terrible feelings. This time I had done some research. I learned that baby blues would let up by about 2 weeks or so. I was determined to gut it out and see if I could get passed that 2 week point. I didn't want to be on medication if I could avoid it.
You can't tell from the pictures. Most likely you wouldn't even know if you came to visit me during that time. (unless you are my sweet friend E who knew my history and got buckets of tears when she stopped by) I could function. I knew I loved my baby girl and all my other blessings. Grammy was there and she was taking care of me and the kiddos while I healed. I knew we would all get through it.
I would wake up in the mornings feeling like everything was going to be okay. As the day passed, the feelings of anxiety and sadness would creep over me. I felt like I couldn't really enjoy anything. Also, for some reason I would get a dark cloud of emotions every time I nursed during those first two weeks or so. If you know anything about a newborn, you know that they nurse all the time.
My anxiety was centered around the baby's safety. The SIDS campaign strives to teach parents about safe sleeping. I can respect teaching common sense parenting skills. However, for someone like me, the aggressive SIDS campaign in our hospital at that time caused my anxiety to heighten to a crazy level. Instead of feeling free to use my Mommy intuition I was overwhelmed with thoughts of something happening to her.
I felt anxious when I was alone. If it got too quiet, I felt panicked. By bed time EJ would find me sitting in our bed, nursing lil' Ruthie and sobbing my eyes out. He would kiss the top of my head and say, "I am so sorry honey." I would say, "I am sorry too. I don't want to be feel like this. I hate it."
The days came and went. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I cried when I needed to cry. I was so thankful for the help and encouragement from my family. I hoped it would get easier as the days went by. It did. By two weeks, I felt like I was going to be just fine. Praise God!
Now we are back to where I started. In June of 2013, I found out I was pregnant with baby E and I was already dreading the baby blues. Instead of considering what I would do differently this time, I just assumed I would have to gut it out like I did after Lil' Ruthie's birth.
God had other plans for me.
I wasn't paying attention to the hints he was dropping. I was so busy with baby D's adoption and then with baby D that I failed to notice. God had been training EJ and I for this upcoming battle.
Our pastor had been preaching about anxiety and worry. He had also been preaching about personal praise and worship. I heard as much of those sermons as I could while parenting 5 little ones. It never dawned on me that the lessons he was sharing would be useful to combat my postpartum blues. I was already feeling defeated. I just accepted that it would be the same.
Two days before E's birth EJ put on some music in our kitchen and then he went to take a shower. All the kiddos were busy playing so it was just me. Alone with the song. It is called "Mercy Seat" by Travis Cottrell. It is a beautiful song and the chorus is especially meaningful to me.
When I found out I was expecting W, I was terrified of feeling that way again. I asked my doctor if they could just put an antidepressant in my IV after delivery this time. I was sort of serious. He did start me on it while still at the hospital. Unfortunately, it doesn't kick in for a while so I had to experience a week or so of the misery. Same story, it worked great and I weaned off it after a few months.
While pregnant with Lil' Ruthie, I knew it was coming. It felt like a stalker just waiting for me. My heart would beat faster just thinking about it. Even though it had been five years between W's birth and Lil' Ruthie's impending birth I could still remember the terrible feelings. This time I had done some research. I learned that baby blues would let up by about 2 weeks or so. I was determined to gut it out and see if I could get passed that 2 week point. I didn't want to be on medication if I could avoid it.
You can't tell from the pictures. Most likely you wouldn't even know if you came to visit me during that time. (unless you are my sweet friend E who knew my history and got buckets of tears when she stopped by) I could function. I knew I loved my baby girl and all my other blessings. Grammy was there and she was taking care of me and the kiddos while I healed. I knew we would all get through it.
I would wake up in the mornings feeling like everything was going to be okay. As the day passed, the feelings of anxiety and sadness would creep over me. I felt like I couldn't really enjoy anything. Also, for some reason I would get a dark cloud of emotions every time I nursed during those first two weeks or so. If you know anything about a newborn, you know that they nurse all the time.
My anxiety was centered around the baby's safety. The SIDS campaign strives to teach parents about safe sleeping. I can respect teaching common sense parenting skills. However, for someone like me, the aggressive SIDS campaign in our hospital at that time caused my anxiety to heighten to a crazy level. Instead of feeling free to use my Mommy intuition I was overwhelmed with thoughts of something happening to her.
I felt anxious when I was alone. If it got too quiet, I felt panicked. By bed time EJ would find me sitting in our bed, nursing lil' Ruthie and sobbing my eyes out. He would kiss the top of my head and say, "I am so sorry honey." I would say, "I am sorry too. I don't want to be feel like this. I hate it."
The days came and went. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I cried when I needed to cry. I was so thankful for the help and encouragement from my family. I hoped it would get easier as the days went by. It did. By two weeks, I felt like I was going to be just fine. Praise God!
Now we are back to where I started. In June of 2013, I found out I was pregnant with baby E and I was already dreading the baby blues. Instead of considering what I would do differently this time, I just assumed I would have to gut it out like I did after Lil' Ruthie's birth.
God had other plans for me.
I wasn't paying attention to the hints he was dropping. I was so busy with baby D's adoption and then with baby D that I failed to notice. God had been training EJ and I for this upcoming battle.
Our pastor had been preaching about anxiety and worry. He had also been preaching about personal praise and worship. I heard as much of those sermons as I could while parenting 5 little ones. It never dawned on me that the lessons he was sharing would be useful to combat my postpartum blues. I was already feeling defeated. I just accepted that it would be the same.
Two days before E's birth EJ put on some music in our kitchen and then he went to take a shower. All the kiddos were busy playing so it was just me. Alone with the song. It is called "Mercy Seat" by Travis Cottrell. It is a beautiful song and the chorus is especially meaningful to me.
"I’m runnin', I’m runnin', I’m runnin' to the mercy seat
Where Jesus is calling, He said His grace would cover me
Where Jesus is calling, He said His grace would cover me
His blood will flow freely, It will provide the healing
I’m runnin' to the mercy seat, I’m runnin' to the mercy seat."
As the song played in the kitchen that morning, I dropped to my knees and let the tears stream down my face. I pictured myself kneeling near Jesus being covered by him. Sort of a place of protection from the storm I was about to enter. To be honest, I was also crying because I felt sorry for myself. Why does he allow it to happen to me?
Still it did not dawn on me that God was showing me that I needed to seek him and stop trying to fix it with my own power.
EJ and I have been teaching our children to take their thoughts captive and practice Philipians 4:8. "Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." We have been trying to allow these words to change our own behaviors as well.
Again, it didn't dawn on me to try a different approach this time. I was still planning to "just survive" the blues.
After baby E was born things were going very well.
That is until the 2nd night in the hospital.
Suddenly, the anxiety and sadness was all over me. I was exhausted and in physical pain from the c-section. Our hospital room went from feeling like a place of joy to a place of darkness. I was sobbing, ringing my hands and pacing around the room. I couldn't sleep for fear of what could happen to baby E.
EJ tried to talk me into getting some sleep while he stayed awake and held E. He was going to watch a movie on his laptop and use his ear buds to keep the room quiet. I just couldn't do that. If he was watching the movie then I felt alone and if it was quiet I could hear all the chaos in my own mind.
I have never had the blues hit me while still at the hospital. I was always home before it began. I remember looking in the mirror at my puffy, tear stained face and thinking this was going to be the worst experience yet. I felt paralyzed with fear of what was to come. I can usually control the tears when people are around but this time I broke down in front of two different nurses. I was so embarrassed. This is my 6th child and I am in my thirties. Surely I can keep it together. They were both so compassionate. Tears come to my eyes now as I think of their kindness to me.
One of my sweet friends, J, texted me at just the right time to see how I was doing. I answered her honestly that I needed prayer as the blues were coming on hard and fast. She said she had me covered.
When I spoke to my sis, Rock Star, that night I told her the same thing. She sent a prayer over text. I think the Holy Spirit must have given her those words. It was beautiful, truth filled and encouraging. I replied back to her..."May it be true."
One of my sweet friends, J, texted me at just the right time to see how I was doing. I answered her honestly that I needed prayer as the blues were coming on hard and fast. She said she had me covered.
When I spoke to my sis, Rock Star, that night I told her the same thing. She sent a prayer over text. I think the Holy Spirit must have given her those words. It was beautiful, truth filled and encouraging. I replied back to her..."May it be true."
Back to that night, I looked at EJ with wild, tired eyes and told him that I needed all the lights on and I wanted him to stay right next to me. He rearranged our room so that he could scoot his bed right next to mine. I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do."
Ironically, I knew exactly what to do. The Lord had been preparing both of us for some time.
The next thing I knew, EJ was reading scripture over me. I snuggled baby E in my arms and closed my eyes. I repeated the words he was saying in a whisper. Peace came over me and I was able to rest for a few hours before E needed to eat again.
The next day I felt a little relief but I was still fighting it. We had a busy day. We were released from the hospital and got to head home. We were so excited to see the children and be together again. I was worried about how my tears were going to affect the children as I worked through the first two weeks. I just hoped I could mask it well.
That first night we got the older five into bed and Grammy, EJ and I sat up in the living room to visit while I fed baby E. It was night time and I was anticipating how awful it was going to be. EJ and I shared with Grammy about the night at the hospital and we talked through ways to make this two weeks easier. Through tears, I shared about that morning in the kitchen listening to the song and crying out to God. EJ played the song again so we could share it with Grammy. As the song played, I closed my eyes and let the tears fall but it was different this time. I didn't feel the darkness. I felt freedom. Something changed in that moment.
At bedtime I snuggled up with baby E and listened as EJ read the word over me. I fell asleep to him praying over us. The next day I made sure to spend time in personal worship as well as play praise music during the day. When I started to feel the darkness coming on I would run to Jesus in prayer. Then I would start humming a song of worship. I was also very careful about what media I allowed into my mind.
Baby E is now two and half weeks and I am FREE! I am still relying heavily on the Lord to get me through each sleep deprived day of parenting six children. But I am free from the darkness.
This is the song that my heart is singing right now...
His eye is on the sparrow
- Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
- Refrain:I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
- “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
- Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
If I am ever granted the privilege of carrying another baby in my womb I will not be afraid of the postpartum blues. I will walk in victory trusting that my God will be near me in the battle.
I can't help it. I have to share the lyrics to another song that I am loving right now.
Victory in Jesus
I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.
Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.
I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and bro't
To me the victory.
Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.
I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I'll sing up there
The song of victory.
Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.
So now you know, the only reason I can wear my wonder woman apron. God is so good to give me everything I need to not just survive this season of life but enjoy it and walk in victory!
To my children: I never want to hide from you. The word says that in this life we will have trouble. I would be so sad if I gave you the impression through photographs and my blog that everything in my life was always fantastic. I am choosing to focus on the blessings and not the negative things. However, there is a time and a place for sharing struggle. I hope my writing will be an encouragement to you and your children long after I am gone. I love you. Hold tight to God always. Allow his word to transform you and as always, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow."
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