That May 15th phone call seems like such a long time ago. My focus has been solely on building a relationship with "Hope" and her family. I have wanted to love her through this. I have been telling God that if our purpose in this relationship is simply to love her with the love of Jesus I am all in. Regardless of whether a baby would be joining our family in the end. I decided that I would not be afraid. God healed up my wounds when baby C's adoption did not happen. I knew he would do the same if little man did not come home.
I have attended all but one doctor's appointment with Hope. (The one I missed, God allowed my sweet cousin to attend). I have listened to little man's heartbeat. I have seen him wiggle on the ultrasound screen. All the while, my focus has truly been on Hope. How is she feeling both emotionally and physically? How can I make this pregnancy a little easier for her? What does she need in all this? How can I love on her older children?
I haven't allowed myself to daydream too much about little man. I think the Lord has kept my focus on Hope partly because that was what I needed to do and partly to protect my heart.
I vowed not to be a nervous adoptive momma through all of this. I told myself that I would choose to trust God instead of over analyze every interaction. There have been a few times that I have become overwhelmed with the "what ifs" of adoption. In those situations, (in addition to prayer) I have simply talked things through with Hope. That is the beauty of an open adoption.
Each time we have had an honest discussion about her decision to place little man for adoption she has been solid as a rock. She has never waivered. In a recent text conversation, she asked me if I was excited and ready for his birth. I assured her that I was absolutely over the moon. I was just concerned about how hard this would be for her. Her answer..."I will be OK. I have settled with it. I know you guys are awesome and will be in contact a lot." My response..."That gives me so much peace. We are a good team you know it!"
I cannot wait to for Hope to feel better physically. This has been a difficult pregnancy for her. She is ready to be done and I can understand that. I am asking the Lord to give her strength and peace.
I know that this is what she wants and it is time I allowed myself to start dreaming.
What will he look like? Will he calm to our voices right away like Q did? How big will he be at birth? What will it feel like to hold him for the first time?
The dreaming has begun and you know what?
My arms are literally aching for him.
I cannot imagine how good it will feel to snuggle him close.
I cannot wait to whisper in his ear, "I am here little man. You are the answer to my prayers. You are mine and I am yours. I love you so big."
I cannot wait to count his little fingers and toes.
I cannot wait to study every feature of my little miracle.
I cannot wait to watch his Daddy fall in love with him.
I cannot wait to introduce him to his big siblings.
I cannot wait to watch him with his grandparents.
I cannot wait to see his Aunties well up with big Auntie tears as they welcome him into the family.
I cannot wait to praise God as we celebrate the precious gift of his life.
The final preparations for his birth are complete. The car is packed full of luggage, his car seat and gifts.
It's go time and I cannot wait!