I am not ready

I am nowhere near ready.

My list is long and overwhelming.

I have a handful of weeks left to wrap up our home school year.

I have to stay focused on finishing well.

I have medical appointments for a couple of our children that I must attend to.

Those appointments could lead to future treatments (read surgery) but I must be still and trust God with them.

There is also that pesky little house situation.

You know that house that has been on the market for 1 year now?

It is supposed to close in a few days.

Lord willing, we will finally close that chapter.

I am holding my breath until it is done.

The money wrapped up in the house will finally be free to cover a very important trip to China.

I haven't prepared Miss Ruthie's room to become Mei Mei's room too.

I need to nest.

I am not ready.

I want that space to be just right for her.

I have only purchased a handful of clothes for Mei Mei.

I need to find just the right outfits for my baby girl to complete her wardrobe.

I need to nest.

I am not ready.

I want my precious girl to know that I lovingly chose her clothing.

I have menus to plan. 

I have a pantry to stock.

I have a mountain of freezer meals to make.

I need to nest.

I am not ready.

I want to focus my energy on my new daughter not cooking.

I have books to read and re-read in preparation for her adoption.

I need to make a plan for cocooning in order to facilitate bonding.

I want to dig into scripture and try to understand the word the Lord gave us for Mei Mei's adoption..."Restore."

I need to nest.

I am not ready.

I need to receive Travel Approval so we can buy tickets to China.

I need to make plans with grandparents for the care of our six children.

I need to pack six children's suitcases.

I need to pack the suitcases that are going to China.

I need to prepare.

I am not ready.

I am nowhere near ready.

The panic begins to set in.

I feel my heart beating faster.

My mind wanders to the picture on her finding ad.

Suddenly, it comes over me.

She wasn't ready.

She wasn't ready to be born with a broken heart.

She wasn't ready to lose her birth family.

She wasn't ready for the terror of abandonment at the age of 2.

She wasn't ready to be taken into custody and examined.

She wasn't ready to live in an orphanage.

She wasn't ready to be admitted to the hospital.

She wasn't ready to endure surgery on her eye.

She wasn't ready to endure the repair of her umbilical hernia.

She wasn't ready to endure open heart surgery.

She wasn't ready to be placed on a ventilator after that surgery due to respiratory failure.

She wasn't ready to spend 83 days in a hospital bed without her Mommy and Daddy at her side.

She wasn't ready to wait days, then months and then years for her forever family.

She wasn't ready.

My daughter had no time to prepare for all of the trauma she has experienced in her young life.

The truth is...

I will be ready.

I will get all the tasks accomplished.

The timing will be perfect.

My God is orchestrating every last detail.

We pray every night for the Lord to prepare Mei Mei's heart for us and to prepare our hearts for her.

He has this whole thing under control.

Let's do this.