The Battle

It was at a routine appointment on March 18th, 2011 that EJ and I found out our sweet baby twins were gone.  Their little hearts were no longer beating.


I had no signs of miscarriage.  No cramping.  No bleeding.  Nothing.


Looking back the only sign I did have was a loss of pregnancy symptoms.  It was slight but I noticed that all the sudden I had more energy.  At that time I made the assumption that I was exiting the 1st trimester and headed into the more comfortable 2nd trimester.


When I found out I was pregnant with this new little blessing a flood of emotions came over me.


I told EJ, "I don't want to lose another baby!"


I spent a lot of time bargaining with God.


I went into overprotective mode.


In my mind, I was going to somehow control the outcome of this pregnancy.  Surely if I was just good enough God would give me this baby in the end.


At just 6 weeks along, we got in the big wreck.  I just remember thinking, "Are you kidding me?!?!?!" 


When we saw our OB he looked for signs of bleeding in the uterus.  Nope.  All seemed well with the baby.  As a bonus we got to see that little heart beating away.


Next, our family got a nasty stomach virus.  Again, lots of feelings came flooding back.  When I was pregnant with the twins I got terribly sick with some kind of a viral infection.  So again, more reason to worry.


At the next OB appointment, we not only saw that strong heart beating but we also saw our baby moving around.  It is amazing how developed they are so early!


So here I am, at the exact same stage in pregnancy where I lost the twins.


I have been so sick with this baby. 


Nauseous most of the time. 


Lots of food aversions. 


Completely exhausted.


When I have a good day I start to feel consumed with worry.


Are my pregnancy symptoms disappearing? 


Is the baby okay? 


What if? 


What if? 


What if?


Then I have to tell myself the truth.

Psalm 139:16

" ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be."

God created this tiny blessing.


God has already ordained the number of days in this baby's life.


God loves our baby even more than I do.


God loves me.


I can rest in Him.  He is here.  He has us in His strong grip. 


I will fight the battle for my mind everyday of this pregnancy and I will win when I proclaim His word.


I praise you Father for giving me tools to fight with!  I praise you for giving me this child!